Newbie Email Copy Critique

progresst

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Newbie Email Copy Critique

« on: July 21, 2010, 04:53:44 AM »

Hello,

I am new to the board, glad I found you all. I have an email I would like to send to local business in my county. I am trying to reach out to set appointments to discuss our services and how we can help. Items in [] are dynamic and populated from the list.

----Subject: Lee County Business Inquiry

Hi [first_name],

My name is [rep_name] and I am located here in Fort Myers. Despite the local hit to our economy, I help local business gain new customers. In fact, I feel there is plenty of growth to be had for all of us if you know how to tap into it.

Using the web, I help clients just like you harness the power of the Internet and create a 24/7 billboard that get results now!

Even better, I am here locally and take pride in being able to learn your business and help it grow with my hands on approach.

Would you be open to a meeting to discuss what I can do for you all? Please give me a call at: [phone_number]!

Best Regards,

John Doe
Title, Company Name
[phone_number]

---End Email

Thanks in advance!

Tony


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John_S

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2010, 06:32:37 AM »

This was a fairly straightforward letter -- for 1997. The vast majority of businesses who want a site now have a site.

It's easier to convince someone when they've already bought. Especially if they've been sold "hit and run" billable for an internet billboard.

It's 2010, the market has matured past the point where there are a lot of clueless newbies to fleece. Stop selling a 1997 website to a 1997 prospect -- it's a weak offer.

Play off the shoddy service of existing web developers. Differentiate against the shoddy product of a 'net billboard or digital "Open for Business" sign masquerading as a website. Make a more modern, more sophisticated pitch than a digital billboard (one of the lowest yield sales vehicles).


« Last Edit: July 21, 2010, 06:46:57 AM by John_S »	Logged

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progresst

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2010, 08:38:50 AM »

You bring up a good point, and I missed one of the main ways I differentiate myself with the local competition.

How about this revision, is this on the right track? Any suggestions?

----Subject: Lee County Business Inquiry

Hi [first_name],

My name is [rep_name] and I am located here in Fort Myers. I help local lee county business gain new customers even in this tough local economy.

Today almost everyone has a website and I specialize in taking a company to the next level with their website by offering a product that is easy to update by your own staff while making sure your message reaches the ideal customers you are looking for.

Even better, I am here locally and take pride in being able to learn your business and help it grow with my hands on approach. I am always available to you and your business!

Unlike other computer professionals (jack-of-all-trades, master of none types), this is my specialty and what I do everday. Please give me a call at: [phone_number] to setup a meeting today!

Best Regards,

John Doe
Title, Company Name
[phone_number]

---End Email

Quote from: John_S on July 21, 2010, 06:32:37 AM

It's 2010, the market has matured past the point where there are a lot of clueless newbies to fleece. Stop selling a 1997 website to a 1997 prospect -- it's a weak offer.

Play off the shoddy service of existing web developers. Differentiate against the shoddy product of a 'net billboard or digital "Open for Business" sign masquerading as a website. Make a more modern, more sophisticated pitch than a digital billboard (one of the lowest yield sales vehicles).


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John_S

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2010, 09:18:12 AM »

While I do think you are on the right track, I think it is just off the starting block. You have to take it further.

For instance, you might start with the subject line you have and test alternatives.

And really, you have to establish your credentials and boost credibility with testimonials. Right now you don't even have specifics, like the five mistakes businesses make with their websites.

There is still no compelling "what's in it for me" proposition. It's clear you're pushing CMS installs. The reason is, why?

The modern CMS is a solution in search of a problem. Almost all web shops pushing a CMS don't have a clue of the potential of content strategy and management.

A CMS is not a client play pen/FrontPage.

Having employees update content is like having the secretary write your ads. Yeah, you can do it. But is that really anything you want the employee who just spammed everyone that she's selling puppies writing your web copy? (You're missing enormous upsell potential just slapping up CMS installs)


« Last Edit: July 21, 2010, 09:21:41 AM by John_S »	Logged

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trease

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2010, 03:07:08 PM »

Also make this about the clients and how they benefit by using your services. Also show what makes your services special and different from all the other guys out there.

Use "you" instead of "I." The clients need to feel this is about them and not all about you.

Go more in depth and show a few examples of exactly what your service does for the client and how it's to their advantage to use it. Show the proof of how it works.

Where are your testimonials, the false close, the real close and the offer? You also need a PS.


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Trease L Carpenter

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2010, 08:31:48 PM »

Since i have not been able to succesfully write salescopy myself, this shouldnt be took as definately right.

But one thing that hits my eye is the end "Please give me a call".

It sounds like you are begging.

I dont think you should be begging them to call you.

rather something like:
"To Skyboost your websales, just call: 12-123 1234"

But if others say otherwise, rather listen to them. Im just newbie.


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trease

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2010, 01:16:24 AM »

Bugala,
You are spot on. Just remember that everybody was a newbie once. I totally missed that and you are so right. Keep writing your sales copy. Be encouraged.

Begging the client definitely isn't a good idea. You sound weak and desperate. Normally saying please is a sign of politeness, but it also can sound like you're begging.


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John_S

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2010, 07:39:53 AM »

Quote

Normally saying please is a sign of politeness, but it also can sound like you're begging.

Same thing with "operators are standing by." Sounds like an okay thing to say, but it indicates operators are sitting around with nothing to do but take your one lonely call.

Testing suggests "If lines are busy, please try again" works much better.


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Bruce Wedding

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #8 on: July 24, 2010, 01:11:35 PM »

Quote from: progresst on July 21, 2010, 08:38:50 AM

----Subject: Lee County Business Inquiry <yawn>

Hi [first_name],

My name is [rep_name] and I am located here in Fort Myers. <yawn> I help local lee county business gain new customers even in this tough local economy. <weak>

Today almost everyone has a website and I specialize in taking a company to the next level with their website by offering a product that is easy to update by your own staff while making sure your message reaches the ideal customers you are looking for. <mega sentence>

Even better, I am here locally and take pride in being able to learn your business and help it grow with my hands on approach. <yawn> I am always available to you and your business!

Unlike other computer professionals (jack-of-all-trades, master of none types), this is my specialty and what I do everyday. <yawn> Please give me a call at: [phone_number] to setup a meeting today! <weak>

Best Regards,

John Doe
Title, Company Name
[phone_number]

---End Email

Maybe something like this... I'm not trying to sell a system, I'm trying to sell leads and sales. Forget the technical details. Think about what the business wants. And this is just to get a meeting, not sell the whole system.

Hi [first_name],

Business sucks lately, right?

I am actually showing many Lee county business how to grow their businesses today. They are pulling in new customers this minute. How?

By turning their website into a lead-generation machine instead of a one-in-a-billion "placeholder" for their business.

Today, every business has a website. The question is, is it producing new customers, making sales and growing your business? This is what I do. I grow businesses by creating a profit-generating web presence.

I'd like to show you some of the amazing turnarounds I've done for other businesses like yours. And I will conduct a free analysis of your current website right in our meeting. Then I'll layout exactly what your site needs to become a profit generator instead of overhead. And you should know this...

There is no obligation and no pressure. If I don't think I can help you, I will tell you, right there. You have got nothing to lose. And you will learn a few things in our meeting, no matter what you decide. I guarantee it.

Give me a call at [phone_number] to schedule a meeting today!

Regards,

John Doe
Title, Company Name
[phone_number]

PS: I am local, not in Kazakhstan, so I am always available at a minutes notice!

PPS: There is a limit to how many businesses I can help because I am just one guy. Don't get left out... call me today.


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timebinder

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Re: Newbie Email Copy Critique

« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2010, 12:58:46 AM »

How many business's are on the mailing list? If this is your best list, I would either split test 2 distinct versions, or best yet, manually email each business wiht a personalised lead that commends something about their website and also points out something that you can help them improve, and let them know that you would like to speak with them.

Gav


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