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Author Topic: Personal Sales Letter Critique - Please  (Read 431 times)
scheda
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« on: July 03, 2009, 01:42:54 PM »
So I've had this basic letter go through a number of revisions.

About two weeks ago I put it online on it's own domain and started sending PPC traffic to it.

Since then I've had a 1.5% response rate. Not great, but not the worst thing ever either.

I appreciate any advice that the long-timers can give.

http://thehypnoticcopywriter.com/

Thanks to everyone in advance who takes a look over this.
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The Hypnotic Copywriter
How To Use Simple Words To Persuade & Seduce Your Prospects
Darrel Hawes
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« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2009, 03:55:54 PM »
Hi Chris,

I have a comment on one component of your sales letter. I'm sure others will have comments too.

The testimonial by L.M. is problematic, because you're not using their full name nor company name.

I understand why you want to use it... it's a great testimonial otherwise. I'd want to use it too.

If the client needs secrecy... can you at least get them to give you an audio testimonial? To me, that would add credibility. It would overcome some of the initial suspicion that it might be fabricated.

Can you say where they are located... the state if not the city?
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- Darrel Hawes,  Copywriter/Marketing Consultant
Mr. Subtle
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« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2009, 07:02:03 PM »
Quote from: scheda on July 03, 2009, 01:42:54 PM
Since then I've had a 1.5% response rate. Not great, but not the worst thing ever either.

So much for the POWER of HYPNOTIC copywriting EH?
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Bruce Wedding
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« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2009, 08:13:49 PM »
Actually, for a $3-5k product, I'd be very happy with a 1.5% PPC return. I would think you can keep very busy and generate a very high ROI at that rate.
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trease
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« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2009, 10:22:31 PM »
Chris,
You've got an awful lot of "I" statements about yourself and few "you" statements about the reader and how what you do benefits them. Make the letter about the reader and the solution to their problem.

Also you "tell" too many things. Show instead of telling. Use the five senses of taste, touch/texture, sight/scene, sound, and aroma/scent. Get sensual and suggestive.

You raise good points in your bullets. I also like the way you space the testimonials out.

You also sound too clinical. Loosen it up a bit. Get more conversational.

You've got a good PS too.

I hope this helps,

Trease
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Trease L Carpenter

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Kyle Tully
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« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2009, 11:16:34 PM »
"Sure, there are a number of writers out there who've dubbed themselves as "Hypnotic", but none of them can back it up."

Vitale wrote the book on hypnotic copy and has made millions from his writing.

Rod (http://hypnoticcopywriter.com/) also made a million with his hynotic copy. (And gave credit where credit is due.)

Yet you don't show ANY proof and make that claim?

Things that make you go hmmm...
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scheda
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« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2009, 09:30:23 AM »
Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the good tips.

Darrel, you're 100% right about the testimonial. I'll talk with my client and see if I can get him to let me use his information. In his world he's one of the biggest names, so if I can get his name, it'll be great for me.

Trease, You're right too. I've had trouble with the "I's" in this letter. I've done a lot of work to weed them out, but with each revision I seem to keep adding them back. Whoops! I think I'm going to put a big note above my desk with "WIIFM!" Smiley

Kyle, I do respect those two writers, however I didn't come up with my hypnotic copy from Joe Vitale, so I don't feel I owe him fealty. The story in my letter about my history as a hypnotist is completely accurate, which is something I haven't seen any other writer's market themselves with.

I do need to work on proof in the letter though. At the moment I'm waiting to hear back from a number of clients who've recently launched with my letters, so I should have plenty of testimonials in the next couple weeks to add.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I'll be making a lot of changes this coming week and plan on starting split tests near the end of the week.

I'll let you know how it goes.
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Deb Holder
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« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2009, 07:29:39 PM »
Chris,

There are several good points made in the replies, so I'll just add my two cents on top of them.

I'd drop the salutation, but that's a personal preference of mine. IMO, sales letters have a stronger impact when they don't have salutations.

Move that first testimonial. It breaks the flow of the copy in an awkward way. I'd like to see your introduction before you insert a testimonial. It makes more sense to introduce yourself to the reader before your testimonials refer to you by name.

Also, I've noticed that it's common practice among copywriters to list books they've studied, but I don't think that adds credibility. What you want to do is showcase your marketing know-how and results. Instead of saying that you've learned "things," introduce that list as skills you have, something you know how to do.  Saying that you've learned "things," weakens your statement. (By the way, use a specific word in place of "thing.")

Good luck with your revision. I hope this helps.
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Colin Y.J. Chung
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« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2009, 07:19:20 PM »
Not totally copy related... but may I just add, Chris -- I love the layout and design of your site.

I don't think direct response has to be ugly, and you're a fine example of that.
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Colin Y.J. Chung
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