Nathan,
I'm going to have to take a look at this later, hopefully this evening. Just didn't want you to think nobody noticed your post. I can tell, just by reading your post that this is well thought out and you put a lot of work into it. I also took a brief glance at the pdf and your hard work shows.

I'm intrigued and will see if I can answer any of your questions. Your headline further intrigued me. I'm not sure about the sales "funnel" thing, but then I've seen that used a lot and often with "hype-filled" offers. But I'm not saying yours is hype, just that I've seen that term often with hype.

At a quick glance your letter didn't seem like hype... which is why I'm coming back to look at it more thoroughly. You've piqued my interest.

Which is why I'll look at it later. You strike me as a good pro writer who knows his stuff. You're the kind of writer I like critiquing.

Back atcha...

Wow, I'm kind of at a loss for words. I can't believe the "look-over" you gave it - I really appreciate it.

I just want you to know that I understand that time is money and that while your critique and advice is "free", I don't think most people really get what it means to have someone give a review with lots of professional help like this.

That being said...thank you for being kind and generous with your suggestions. I am going to really hammer them home and crank this sucker out right. You've got me excited as I think I can do it now.

Yes, Playstation 3 might come first (tonight) but starting tommorow I'm going to jump back in.

Not to push my luck, but can I PM you if I have any particular questions regarding your thoughts on a few specific pieces of advice you had as I keep it up?

Thanks again...

Okay…I’ve been going over your thoughts and advice and I think I’m getting somewhere.

I have to admit that your fresh eyes totally made something click for me on a particular point, and I can really see how it’s going to help. I’m referring to starting with the story-selling part up top.

But I have a few questions. Starting with that totally makes sense, but in a technical sense do I use your suggestion of “The Most Powerful Form of Persuasion There is…Story-Selling” as the actual headline? Then should I keep a combo of the old head and sub-head as a new sub-head for the new head maybe?

Or when you said to maybe make it page one that I should tweak the head/sub-head and just pull that page up underneath it? Thus keeping the original “top” part, opening sentence, second sentence head/sub-head and that sort of thing?

For that matter, can I keep the angle of using stories to solve objections in there at all? Or do you think I should drop that altogether? I ask because the bigger course will focus more exclusively on stories used for marketing and selling (Stories for identification, humor, building excitement, eliminating competition, reducing “sticker shock” etc) and would have included this smaller course that deals with answering objections as I see them.

And lastly, where you said the story that is “good but missing some of the magic”, is that the “poor copy/ what I would have said” part that you were referring to? I can definitely go with a magic story to make my point there and tighten it up.

And does it also apply to the real-estate course story? Should I make this one a magic story-selling pitch as well?

This might be confusing (I confuse myself) but I can do one of the following to illustrate my points, but I’m not sure which.

Do you think I should use magic stories to illustrate my points openly? To teach? Or should I just tell a quick story that makes my point more subtly like the ebook, and Chinese restaurant thing. (And I might be over thinking this, but I don’t want to waste your help and do it wrong.)

The first example would be something like…

“…And I realized I was almost there. I knew I had led the audience down the path I wanted. They were waiting for me to ‘make a switch’. But as soon as they saw I backed away and the spectator opened the envelope that had been in his hands since before the show began, you could hear low gasps and the sound magicians love when they get you – stunned silence.

Because they knew what was coming, and they couldn’t believe it.
They were shocked and at a loss for words. I had somehow predicted (example) and their last avenue of how it could possibly be done had just vanished. Because I had correctly anticipated how they would think any of it could possibly be done.

I got that standing ovation because I had systematically denied them those routes and controlled their viewing experience by knowing when and how to anticipate (and so on, blah, blah blah).”

Now this was a stream-of-thought, “didn’t edit” story for my example so it’s not very good. But should I do something like that? A “story to illustrate the point of using stories” like I did with the marketing quick-turn pitch guy? Or a story to keep their attention in reading and make it much more subtle.

A lot of rambling here but I hope some if it makes sense.  :)You’re invaluable!

You are absolutely awesome.

And a BIG help. I've been dreaming, sleeping and walking this letter 24/7 for a while now, and my subconscious has been churning out ideas in the middle of the night (which I forget if I don't immediately write them down on the note cards by my bed).

Occasionally my wife will tell me I've been talking in my sleep and will ask me, "What do you mean a "drop cap", and why were the aliens throwing them at you?"

So it's nice to hear someone else give me the straight talk (and professional talk) about it. You've really helped, thanks again. 

Hehe...snow. I hear that. You folks got it pretty bad huh?

Those storms can stink. On the other hand, if there's no real emergency sometimes it's nice to be snowed in.

We get that a lot here. It's cozy. (But only when nothing goes wrong like you said.)

Well I hope you don't mind I'm back with the revised letter. I've taken your advice on a lot - but a few things changed as I wrote them. They just came out that way I guess.

Let me know what you think if you get a chance - I know you're busy. (I think it's a lot better and more clear....we'll see I guess  )

Thank you!

http://storiestoriches.com/objections2.pdf

Sounds good trease,

And please, I don't want you to think I'm rushing you. I've just got some changes done so if you do get a chance you can give me a thumbs up (I hope!).

Seriously, thanks again and take a glance only when you have a free sec (and aren't shoveling...ore wishing you could play my kids PS3 hehe...)

-Nathan

Okay Nathan,

I like the headline with the subhead. It's useful, unique and fairly ultra specific. It grabs my attention and my curiosity.

Your lead is fantastic. it's simple and right to the point. I do feel you need to introduce the product name in this first section. People want to know upfront what it is you want them to buy... not way down into the letter.

Still use what you've got, but give them the product name. And explain it as you go. I believe what you already have will explain things nicely. Just give the product name here and there with the explanations.

"Let me make you a big promise" is a bold statement and immediately grabs reader attention. And it's simple.

Also "mastering the skills of anticipating and answering objections to your product or service" is huge. This grabs the reader in a major way. And you segue right into the explanation of this so smoothly. The writing flows and progresses well.

Your first page totally rocks. And the second page flows right from the first and transitions smoothly into the "story-selling" idea and explanation on testimonials. This is good stuff.

I'm no expert on when to use red font and underlining, but it feels like your first red underline is out of place. Maybe the whole sentence should be underlined in red. Somebody else will need to weigh in on this.

Using the magician explanation and story with the overcoming objections part is genius. I love it. This is the story you needed and I'm glad you used it first. This is great stuff. And I do like your subhead quote in red. I think the red here is a nice touch.

It's good you name the course, but I do feel the name needs to be mentioned almost right up front somewhere in your lead.

I do like how you mention and intro the course in this section. It's good.

One minor note: get rid of "There're." That's not a real contraction. I think you meant to write "There are" instead. Also it should be "those who..." instead of "those that..."

I also like how you use the sales funnel here. It's not the least obnoxious or annoying. it makes sense and is definitely okay. It doesn't sound like hype the way you use it here.

I like the red check marks and the bullets a lot. I would get rid of the red underline of "buy now." Use red and the underlines sparingly. Use italics for the two words instead.

“It’ll be too hard/It’s too much work” just doesn't look right with the forward slash. You might want to replace this with the word 'or.'

I really do like these bullets a lot. This is good writing.

I also like the explanation that follows the bullets. I'm always getting lost in the "new" so I definitely identify here. I don't like the red underline under "persuade people to buy." This just doesn't look right. maybe use italics or just leave it plain.

I like the military comparison, but maybe mentioning when the general isn't allowed to command or properly use his resources... troops, weapons, strategy and pursuit options the way he knows they'll work sounds better to me than what you've got.

But then I was raised in the military, served in the military and married into the military. Generals don't get promoted to General by not using their resources right. They know how to win the war, but aren't always allowed to do so by a bunch of civilians who really don't have any expertise whatsoever or act like they've got zilch expertise.

This may seem minor but any military, former or current, will feel that question sounds odd the way you've put it.

I do like how you transition this point into your explanation of having the right tools in place to take advantage. It's good.

I also like the words/subhead in red. It looks good and grabs the reader's attention. I like what you have to say about the sales message.

I also like the next set of red words with the blue underline. That's a nice touch.

Use "he hesitates" instead of "they hesitate." In the previous paragraph you talk of "he" and using the same in the next paragraph transitions more smoothly.

The corporate magician versus the birthday party magician story is a great illustration. I love this one. it is spot on with the explanations too. Great stuff.

What you say about the flaws is dead on too. This really flows smoothly and keeps the reader's attention moving forward. the blue underline is good. And I also like all the side notes you keep throwing in. They add a good dimension to your letter. They also make the letter seem like it's from a "real" person. It also makes the letter feel more personal and less like a sales letter. The added side notes are a great touch.

I'm glad you kept the real estate story in. It's a good one and fits well here. The story of the speaker going home after his first sale and spreading the $18,000 in cash out on the floor and looking at it in shocked silence is way more powerful than just showing the bank deposit. Showing the cash is always more powerful.

It's all about making it real, as you said. The walking it through the objections and minimizing the BS detectors are great details. Showing the story this way keeps it real for your readers.

And you're making it tough for them not to buy. Showing the money is powerful and more pursuasive in getting the audience to buy.

It's good to mention your product name here on the 7th page. It rally is that powerful and you don't have to be a guru to make it work... I love this. Your readers will relate to this well.

You've got another great set of bullets. They make me want to buy your course.

Ha ha, the red highlighted words that follow thee bullets is priceless, especially the don't get excited about this part. I like the wry sense of humor used here.

I'm glad you say it's not a magic pill and go on to explain why. You use a "real" and "refreshing" approach to your letter. Reading it is a pleasure. I also like the "cookie cutter" reference and the way you use this. Good for you.

This letter also shows you really know what you're talking about. You raise the possible objections and then proceed to do away with them one by one. This shows you actually using your own course effectively. That's good proof.

I like how you show what you get with the course. More good stuff. Just don't use the red underline with "...the best part...."  Just keep this regular without the red underline.

I think introducing the bigger course is a good idea. It shows the value of this course as a stand alone deal. And if these people like the first course, then they'll know to be back for the bigger course.

That's also a compelling and powerful guarantee you have. I like it in the box too. I really like the way you close this letter. It's solid writing.

Now you gotta get that Buy Button.

I also like the PS and PPS. Do you have a freebie you can throw in here with a brief mention?

One last thing, you need some actual testimonials for your course. Once you've got those and can throw one each in three different sections that the testimonial does the most justice to, along with the minor tweaks, I feel you'll be ready to test your letter live.

Let your wife look at this once you've tweaked it, see what she says and then show her my comments. I think she'll be much more favorable toward it now.

Hey, I let hubs look at my stuff... he's a good writer himself and also has a good eye for critique and review. I keep encouraging him to do his own thing... but to use his writing skills also.

I hope this helps.